Larry Schlick, president of Leijer Inc., announced today that the locally-based grocery and retail giant will begin offering a new line of products at its superstores, designed to defend the company’s brand and reassert its regional dominance.

“Corporate war bonds,” Schlick said, “will soon be offered for purchase in our Midwest locations in order to give us the advantage we need to keep prices low.”

Asked at a township board meeting whether or not such a move is in keeping with corporate governance and ethics standards, Schlick and his associates were undeterred.

“Leijer is committed to keeping our prices low,” said Schlick’s attorney. “Do you really want to make the good people of this state buy dirt-stained, natural products of the earth?”

“Besides,” Schlick added, “Leijer is a leader in its community, not some greedy, expansionist corporation intent on subverting your leadership and financing a campaign to remove you from your democratically elected positions.”

In a written response released following the meeting, the township board stated that it found Leijer’s assertions dubious.

“So they’ve financed some gardens and parks,” said board member John Singleton. “Big deal. Maybe it’s a Trojan horse.”

According to Schlick, the corporate war bonds to be offered by Leijer will be available in the canned goods and bottled water aisle.

“We wanted to put them someplace that appealed to the ‘security mom’ type,” said Schlick.
“After all,” he said, “you’re either with us or against us. Now,” he said, pulling a thick bundle of coupons from behind his back, “who wants to be saved?”